Don’t forget to add dry shampoo to your survival kit.

Sunday, I wanted to get more groceries for the coming weather, but the roads were too icy to get out of the apartment complex without sliding down the steep incline and careening into the traffic below. Sunday night I lost power.

Tuesday afternoon, my apartment was so cold my fingers were sticking to my phone as I tried finding a ride to safety.

Wednesday, I got power back but lost water. When my neighbor told me to start collecting snow for water, I thought “I’m not doing that.” Thursday, I was gladly scooping up snow with oven mitts.


How being furious at my ex made room for me to love myself

source: Pixabay on Pexels (CCO)

For years, I was married to a man I thought was an enlightened master. I was amazed by how gentle and even-keeled he was. Nothing could make him lose his cool. I nearly worshiped him and hated myself for being petty and angry in comparison.

It wasn’t until after he left that I was able to make sense of what I’d tolerated for nearly a decade. He wasn’t Jesus. He was the king of spiritual bypassing. He wasn’t transcending our problems. He was refusing to face them. I wasn’t spiritually inferior. My emotions were being invalidated, over and over.

To…


You’re going to need a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a box of rosè.

Maybe you moved to a new city during a pandemic (like me!) or you had your social life turned upside down by a devastating divorce (also like me!). No matter the reason, if you’re feeling lonely and you want to be more connected here are four simple things you can do to have more high-quality friendships.

1. Focus on quality time.

Jeffrey Hall, a professor of Communications Studies at the University of Kansas, found that it takes about 50 hours of interaction for someone to move from acquaintance to a casual friend, about 90 hours to move from a casual friend to a friend, and…


These are the things my bio would have said.

My husband and I didn’t meet on Grindr, but it had just come into existence right before we met. Tinder wasn’t a thing yet and Hinge was a word I mostly associated with WD-40.

Nine years later, I was single for the first time since I was 23 and the world of dating had drastically changed. In the immediate aftermath of my divorce, I wasn’t fine, but for my ego’s sake I needed to project an image of an unbroken man who’s life was just beginning.

That’s exactly what I was, but I wouldn’t know it for a few more…


A lifetime of yo-yo dieting taught me what self-love is and what it isn’t.

I love gym selfies. I do. I love those inspirational posts about remarkable body transformations or weight loss, complete with hashtags #selflove and #learningtolovemyself.

I love it when people work hard to accomplish a goal and feel worthy, sexy, and confident. I love that…but that’s not what self-love is. If you want to learn self-love you must uncouple your concept of it from the shape of your body.

You won’t learn to love yourself by killing yourself at the gym. If shame is a motivating factor for you to get in shape, I promise the weight and the shame will…


You must let go of these five things.

Shortly after a breakup most of us are quick to say we’ll never take our ex back. We want to project outwardly that we are “over it.” We’re not falling apart…we’re thriving.

Maybe we know consciously that we have to move on, but love doesn’t die that easily, and codependence and trauma bonds are a bitch. In most of us, a sliver of hope remains that some miracle will occur and suddenly all that’s wrong will be made right again.

I’m here to lovingly crush your fantasies, my friend, because that dream is keeping you stuck in a nightmare, and…


and how to end it.

There’s a thin line between a codependent and a narcissist. Both need to feed on other people for affirmation, admiration, validation, and praise. Both have an emptiness inside that must be filled through the eyes of other people.

The difference is awareness. The codependent can self-reflect, admit they need to change, and truly have a desire to change. The narcissist can not. …


If you don’t work on these five things, you’re doomed to keep repeating your past mistakes.

You’re starting to feel cursed, huh? You keep getting your heart broken again and again. Each time it feels different. Each time you think you finally got it right. He’s so charming. He’s so different from all the others…then a few months down the road you find yourself head-over-heels in love with a guy who treats you like garbage and still you can’t seem to let go of him.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” — You, after the next jerk breaks your heart

Before I go into the five reasons this might be happening to you, I want…


The first time I attempted to make love after my husband left me, I had a panic attack.

I’d met a really attractive guy on Tinder. Too young to date, but maybe just right to bang some self-esteem back into me.

I’ll never know if it was cruel timing or divine intervention that I found myself single for the first time in ten years with an injury to my backside (use your imagination) that would cause me to be completely unable to have sex for 8 months.

At a time when it would have been splendid to run around seeking…


I’ll never forget the day I had to pack that bag. My husband needed to “figure things out” with his lover and I wasn’t about to stick around while he figured them out in our apartment.

“Tell me not to post this,” I said, as I showed him what I had written explaining to all our friends and family that I was no longer a married man. A public announcement means it’s real. No turning back. It took only seconds before I was bombarded from every medium with calls and concerns. No one could believe it, least of all me.

Lucas Bane

I help people heal from divorce and traumatic breakups. check out lucasbane.com.

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