If I’d Been Honest On Dating Apps During My Divorce

These are the things my bio would have said.

husband and I didn’t meet on Grindr, but it had just come into existence right before we met. Tinder wasn’t a thing yet and Hinge was a word I mostly associated with WD-40.

Nine years later, I was single for the first time since I was 23 and the world of dating had drastically changed. In the immediate aftermath of my divorce, I wasn’t fine, but for my ego’s sake I needed to project an image of an unbroken man who’s life was just beginning.

That’s exactly what I was, but I wouldn’t know it for a few more weeks.

It was maybe 48 hours after my husband had officially told me via email that he was in love with someone else and our marriage was over before my friend encouraged me to create a Tinder profile.

Within twenty minutes I had crafted a profile perfectly designed to showcase me as a fun-loving, hard-bodied, all-American blonde boy with a pretty smile.

Spiritual but not douchey about it. Loves wine and bourbon but not a drunk. Geeky but in a passionate way. Has substance, but will definitely make good arm-candy. Knows how to party but isn’t a train-wreck. Not trying to be a slut but wants you to know that if it comes to it he can knock boots like a pornstar. HAS HIS SHIT TOGETHER.

Not looking for anything serious but you should definitely put a ring on this right meow.

I think I did a great job of projecting exactly the image I felt would make me most palatable as the new boy in the world of online dating.

Here are some lines a brutally honest bio would have included:

“Would you like to hear me talk about my ex?”

“Probably not as hot as I look in these pics.”

“Looks aren’t everything…I should know because my ex left for someone who’s not nearly as cute as me.”

“Somehow gaining weight even though all I ate yesterday was tequila.”

“Too insecure to actually hook up. Let's just sext and trade pics for a few months.”

“Not a gold-digger but haven’t been on a real date in years so for the love of God please offer to buy me dinner.”

“Coffee isn’t dinner, asshole!”

“Don’t ask me ‘what’s up?’ What’s up is I haven’t put on pants in days.”

“Yes, I know I’m older than I look. I’m also gray-er than I look.”

“Srsly will probably sleep with the first guy who takes me to dinner.”

“I’m going to call you ‘Daddy’ because the world is terryfing and it makes me feel small and safe.”

“Just fucking around contemplating suicide, wondering if I’m gonna make it.”

“Currently seeking a boyfriend that will make my ex jealous as fuck.”

“Not sure if I believe in love anymore so, IDK, might be willing to marry for money.”

“Please forgive me if I seem crazy because I am absolutely, certifiably, off my fucking rocker right now.”

“Likely to cry during sex.”

“Cut to the chase and list your unhealed childhood wounds and traumas.”

“Are you prepared to live with the fact that I’ll never be a day younger than I am right now?”

“Please List your addictions in order of severity.”

“Do you identify as a dangerous narcissist? Honestly, probably not a dealbreaker anymore.”

“Run!”

“Forgot to eat today, YOLO.”

“Guaranteed not to ruin your life.”

“PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”

“Not actually a ho. Only pre-occupied with sex because I barely remember what it is anymore.”

“Recently invented something I call ‘breakfast bourbon.”

“If you meet my ex, please pretend we’re fucking like rabbits. thx.”

“I’m not neurotic that’s just my sense of…never-mind.”

“Counting on you to restore my faith in love, NBD.”

“Recently single and it turns out the dishes actually don’t wash themselves.”

hose days were dark. Those comments are really indicative of the mental space I was in at the time. I listed the good, the bad, and the ugly in hopes if you’re in that place you’ll feel less alone.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. At some point, my heart became so broken the only choices were to die or be reborn. You can read about my rebirth here.

Sometimes It helps to look back and remember just how much something hurt, if only for a moment, to understand how far you’ve come in your healing.

My dating life still isn’t all that exciting, but when you love yourself and your friendships are flourishing, that doesn’t matter so much.

I’m certain Mr. “handsome, charming, successful, animal-in-bed, definitely-not-a-narcissist, heart-of-gold, funny, beautiful-smile, orders-wine-by-the-bottle” will swipe his way into my life at just the perfect moment.

BTW, have I mentioned my ex? He was just a warm-up act. ;)

I help people “feel better” by teaching them to FEEL…better.